When you think about jobs, there are so many out there to choose from. There are MANY that I would be horrible at and I have no interest in. I would never make it through medical school, I would never be able to be a lawyer since I never know what to say, I would be a bad teacher since I have little patience and tolerance, I would be horrible at sales, I would get bored at an office punching in numbers, and I could go on...but I wont.
Well I have a very important job, but it doesn't feel like that a lot of the time. I get overwhelmed with things that need to be done, things that should be done, and things that don't get done. I not only have my own life and well being to worry about, but I have 3 other little lives to worry about. I ONLY have 3 kids and it is so hard for me to keep track of them, and focused on them. I could not imagine my life with more than 3.
I love them, they are wonderful and bring us so much joy into our lives, but they are also a handful and bring a lot of anxiety and stress. Financial stress, emotional stress, physical stress...etc. Sometimes I feel pressure that I should not be done having kids. I feel like I "should" have more, and should be able to have more. I have a healthy body that does well having babies, I can get pregnant and I am so grateful for that. HOWEVER, I know my limits and I know what I can do as a mother, wife and just as a person. I am at my limit.
Sometimes I feel lame saying that I am at my limit and that it is hard, because I know there are moms out there without Dads to help out, without the ability to have children, who have 4, 5, 6, 7, and up children and are just fine to have more, yet I know deep down that NOBODY else matters. I know what I feel and how to handle my life. I wouldn't like to live in a lot of people's shoes, just like having the before mentioned jobs, NO THANKS. But I have my job as a mother of 3 beautiful healthy children. I love my job, and it just stinks when I have to remind myself that I love my job many times a day.
You would think that I should just love it and nothing would stand in the way of that love, but you would be wrong. I have more bad days than good, my kids have WAY more bad days than good, I am a ball of stress a lot. I never ever get around to most of the stuff I think I should be doing, or the stuff I really should be doing. Then you put on top of that the worry for the future. Will they make good choices? Will they have good friends? Will they gain and maintain their own testimony? Will they get married in the temple? Will they work hard and excel and the things they love? Am I doing this right, am I teaching them all the things and tools they will need in this life? Will they know that I love them? The constant worry of the future is ALWAYS on my mind.
So I am having a bad day today. My kids had a pretty good day, until about 3 hours ago when they got their daily dose of wild and crazy pills to get mom all in a panic. Maybe I am feeling the effects of this more than usual since I am not in my own house and my own space. Maybe it is because I am constantly worried about other peoples things and noise tolerances, and messes, and food, and a million other things that I would NOT care about if I had my own space. Maybe it is because I never get enough sleep, or I am not eating well, or I worry too much about myself, or my husband, or don't worry enough... I don't know what it is. But I know that I am having a bad day, or at least a bad night.
It is on days like today that I need to look back a few days ago at these wonderful fabulous gorgeous pictures of my kids...
and remember how awesome they are, how blessed my life is, how much the savior loves me, how fabulous it is to have a great place to live with people around us who love us, and how My Father in Heaven has hand picked these special spirits to be a part of my life and he know that I can do it right!
I need to remind myself what a great job I have daily. So... here is my reminder for the day!
(The girls love a good photo op! They are such cheeses!)