Wednesday, August 27


So here I stand at 27/8 weeks in these pictures. Everything with baby is great. Still a girl and still growing and heart beating. She moves a lot and keeps me up at night a lot. Leg cramps, contractions, stomach cramps, heart burn, sore feet, cravings for ice, chocolate, and now I am starting to nest!! Today I canned 21 cans of peaches and made 2 batches of freezer jam. I also have the same amount of pears to can as well as another 2 batches of jam. I also have cooked dinner 2 nights In a row AND I am caught up on laundry. I can't say that this Rarely happens cause This never happens! 

I have been pretty emotional lately as well. When I think of my mom and talk to her about the summer we both cry. I still just can no fathom the events of the summer... Which I will still blog about!  I need to constantly remind myself that god is in charge and he loves us and cares about us.  

Besides my emotions going crazy- my anxiety has also been elevated and I have been having a hard time getting that under control. I have realized I am a control freak and I just have to (as my dad would say) "let it go". This Summer as I was there he witnessed some of my child induced anxiety. As he watched me get wound up and ready to yell he would start to sing the song from frozen "let it go". He was a good reminder to have around all the time to help me stay cool and under control. Where is he now when I really need him?! 
I am not quite sure where it is all stemming from but I have a feeling that the leftover effects of the summer have a little bit of something to do with it. Also the fact that I'm pregnant and have no idea how I will handle four children! No clue. 

Natalie is my toughest child. She fights with me constantly and argues and yells every single day. She doesn't seem to have any respect for me and will not listen to anything I ask her to do. It drives me to the point of locking myself in a room for some peace and quiet, to contemplate and decide how I will handle the situation and what I will do next. I feel as though I have tried everything, but clearly I haven't tried everything! We will continue to work together. I know I can get through this and I know I can manage my emotions and my feelings and my anxiety I just need to work really hard at it. Anxiety is really a dark cloud hanging over your head. I have never had any kind of depression so I don't know how that feels, but I really hate having to deal with the feelings that I do with my anxiety. 

Monday, August 25

Stop it!

So lots of the time I still feel like I'm a teenager or at the most like I am only 21. It's days like today that I realize that I am really 30 years old and I am about to have my fourth child. I can't believe my oldest is starting second grade!! 

The kids had a fabulous first day of school today. They were so excited they didn't even want me to walk them back to their classrooms. At pick up they had zero complaints only happy positive reports. 

Courtney starts preschool next week, I don't know what I will do with myself for three days out of the week!!   Oh wait I forgot that I have a baby coming and I've so much to prepare for since I threw every existing baby item out right before we found out we are pregnant!!! I will be busy and I am excited for her to going to school she need some kind of structure in her life!! 

Monday, August 18

Bad night

I am not quite sure what to do or how to act as a mother tonight. We went out on a date and got a babysitter. For some reason my kids do not act like normal children around babysitters. They're wild and crazy and out-of-control. Tonight was no exception.
It was my sweet nephew Drew babysitting and when I got home I could tell that he was shook up about the night. He went on to tell me what happened and my kids were very naughty for him as they sometimes are for babysitters. They had done the normal being sassy and using excuses to not go to bed, Natalie also was spitting and throwing books and toys down the banister but to top it all off boots had taken apart his marshmallow gun, and Peed in the marshmallow loader. I am beside myself with discussed from the way that they were acting in the way they treated Drew. It makes me sad to see him so sad.

Here's what really gets me though, after I left to drive him home Brian went upstairs to wake up the kids. When they are naughty for babysitters we will wake them up and make them clean their rooms before they can go back to bed. Tonight brain decided to go one step further.

Last year Natalie saved up about $25 to buy herself a giant white tiger from Costco. She named her tigy and it is her favorite toy. She sleeps with her every night and she takes the path of Natalie's queen size bed, she even dressed her in her clothes and carries her everywhere that we will allow her to.
Boots has a stuffed momma Fox and baby fox that he got from IKEA about two years ago. They are his favorite stuffed animals he plays with them daily and sleeps with them every single night. He has love them for two straight years. While we were in Canada it was the one thing he talked about missing the most and getting back to was mama Fox and baby fox. 

We are sick of our kids treating babysitters this way and didn't know what else to do so Brian
 took away Tigy and the foxes... And threw them in the dumpster outside.
I asked him if we could let them read deem themselves and earn them back over time, he disagreed and thought that the only way they will learn is by doing something drastic with something that they love the most. It is unacceptable behavior, but I'm still struggling because of the love I know that they have for those toys. Why am I allowing us to affect me it is a worldly thing that doesn't matter. They are just so attached and love those toys so much and it is sweet to see them love on them and care for them so much.

I should be okay with this punishment though shouldn't I? Why can't I let it go? I guess I am pretty bad at standing my ground. This will be very difficult for me not to go out to the trashcan and fish it out. I have to stay strong as this punishment has been coming at them for the last two months of summer as they have missed treated me and mistreated babysitters and I have not known what to do about it. Ahhh! Wish me luck.

I never finished the story about my mom I will soon. I was just getting started with my post surgery number one. Then life really happened…

Friday, August 8

Surgery #1

Surgery was on June 25th. She left early and dad was updated all day from the doctors. We knew surgery could take anywhere from 5-15 hours depending on the spread and severity etc. 

she went in early, I think surgery started around 8? I can't quite remember now. But they didn't finish until 630pm. It was long and invasive. They took out many body parts that had been effected by the cancer and had to be removed. After everything was taken out they ran chemo through her abdomen continuously for an hour and a half hitting all of huge places it could to kill anything left over. 
We knew that if it had gone into her liver they would have just closed her right back up. There were also tons of other complications and risks associated with this surgery. Even the chance of death alone was staggering. So I went on into the hospital that night to meet up with dad to see mom after her surgery. Because of everything involved in the invasive surgery, she was going to be transferred to the ICU first for recovery until she was stable and be moved to another unit. 

I waited in the ICU waiting room for dad to arrive, he had been at his hospital across the city all day trying to keep busy during. As I sat there I saw a bed get wheeled past to go in. I stared wondering if it could possibly be mom, I knew the timing was about right... And then I saw the glorious red hair hanging off the back of the bed! Right the. I wanted to jump up and see her and hug her! I knew I couldn't though so I just waited. 

As dad arrived shortly after we shared a long embrace, both of us shedding some tears of joy. This is when our bonding started! We were allowed back to see her after the nurses got her all set up and hooked up. She was on a ventilator and was covered by hot air filled blankets. Her hands were tied to the bed because of the ventilator and she was completely out of it. We both took our turns at her head saying hello and kissing her forehead where we could touch her. The nurse told us we had about 3 minutes and had to leave. That was tough! 

We took the few minutes we had to love her and wisper in her ear and them we left her side for dinner. As we walked out of the ICU I started to cry quite uncontrollably. I didn't want to leave her side! I didn't want her to wake up and feel alone or not know what was going on. So I cried to dad and he just held me close. Over dinner we discussed the miracle of moms surgery that day and prayed thanks to our father in heaven for the gift of this. We had a group text going all day with all of my siblings and spouses to keep everyone update on the latest. We updated it with our night with her. 

When we left, we planned to go back and see her, but after calling huge nurse, she asked that we not come back so that mom could rest. That again, was very hard to hear and obey! But we did knowing that we would be back bright and early the next morning. 

She stayed 2 more days in the ICU slowly getting taken off of tubes and lines. Dad and I stayed by her side from morning until evening and didn't leave until she was asleep of was comfortable with us leaving. She still was sleeping a remind ours amount and was very unaware of what was happening. 

She got transfered to the step down unit, which is not a normal room but a high observation room where she has the chance to share with 3 other people. It was very crowded and pretty gross considering she had to share with 3 men. Dad and I smooshed in there with her! I sat on the foot of her bed mostly and just wanted to be close. 

There were ups and downs and highlights of each and every day. One day it was that she stood, another that she got up to use the bathroom, another that she could be awake for more than 2 minutes at a time! Them we started to get a wheelchair and wheel her outside for some fresh air! This tired her out but seemed to help her feel more normal. We also had ups and downs with her meds and some that made her go completely loonie! I won't lie, a few nights I was scared to leave her in that state. I hated the heavy narcotics and what they did to her. 

I have my own personal pictures of her, but to make sure her privacy is hers... I will not post some of my favorites. She was a trooper though and by day 10 she was doing awesome! We were close to the end and we knew it. It was Sunday night and we sat together me, mom, and dad just chatting and laughing, talking about coming home this week! The doc had even offered a day pass for Monday or Tuesday and then a release tentatively for Wednesday. 

Sunday night we got a phone call from Robyn that dan, my brother, had been in a horrible bike accident. He was mountain biking and crashed into a tree and was life flighted to a hospital downtown Dallas. That night with the information that we received we didn't know if he was going to live or die. I was very scary. Dad had to leave the hospital right then to set a missionary apart for church, and he left mom and I upset and crying. We all prayed together for him and just didn't even know what to do or think. We wanted to be with him, but obviously that would outer work. 

Mom scooted I rinsed and I crawled in bedside her. Again the two of us prayed together and sat looking for some comfort. She pulled open a friends blog who had written about loss after lossing her teenage son last year. She referenced a wonderful talk called death or destiny by spencer w. Kimball. Mom and I read her kind words of encouragement and then went and read this talk. It was amazing. I still go back and read it frequently. It gives so much hope and understanding to so many things. 

So turns out he had broken his right ribs in 12 places, on all of his ribs. He shattered his shoulder and bruised his lungs very badly. Obviously this means a long road to recovery and pain control. He stayed in hospital for about 2 weeks and is finally home recovering. It was so hard to not be with him to help him but he is strong and will get through this, even if it takes a long long time. It was so severe and scary and could have been so much worse, he is lucky there was no brain injury or spinal cord injury. 

So Monday I spent the day with mom and dad was out on the ranch with my nephew bri who had flown in before his family to have time with grandad on the ranch working this summer. So we had a nice day together. Nothing out of the ordinary. We worried about dan and corresponded lots. With everything in Texas to get the scoop and know he would make it and would be ok. A bunch of relatives all have a lemonade stand here in town and they were set up at the stampede. Jenn Andrews offered to bring us some fresh lemonade to the hosital so we placed our orders. She brought it and made it fresh that night. I didn't leave mom until about 1030 and she was tired but happy! 

Then it all really happened.....more to come. 

Wednesday, August 6

These are the crazy times

My life has been a crazy one since my last post in June! I completely missed July so we are going to have to do some major backup here! We arrived in canada for a visit mid June. We planned our trip according to my mother. End of May she was visiting my brother in North Carolina where she ended up needing an emergency appendectomy. After doing a ct scan the doctors, which included my brother Brian, found cancer cells in her abdomen. 
She met with a doctor as soon as she arrived home and they confirmed that indeed this was appendix cancer, which is a very rare type of cancer. One in a million to be exact. They got her in for surgery the soonest she could and that happened to be June 25th. I knew a few things after this...she would be in hospital for 2-3 weeks post surgery and would need help recovering from this major surgery where they would be removing all sorts of organs that had been effected by the cancer. They didn't know where it had spread or to what extent but knew it had spread. 
I booked my flight for a 9 week trip to canada to be with my mom and dad. I flew out 2 weeks early to spent time with them, and decided to leave mid august... Which obviously still has not happened. 
After arriving, I knew my parents were going to Montreal days before the surgery and with dad in his medical classes, I decided to tag along for the fun weekend. I always seem to bud into their personal plans! They love me though so they don't really mind! ;) 

Brian came up to canada and stayed with the kids, so I got to see him for a few hours at most! But the whole trip was really fun with mom. We ate pastries, shopped, walked around the city, and dad's conference had a show that was a little like a cirque de soliel and dinner. It was actually kind of lame but fun to be together. The 3 of us always laugh and have a good time together! I am the best 3rd wheel! Haha
We also took a double decker bus tour of the city which was very overrated and silly. Montreal is a cool unique city that felt very much European, but not cool enough to warrant a double decker bus tour! It for sure reminded me of my mom and my trip to Paris back in 2004 when we did take a double decker bus tour and it was amazing!! 
Then it was back home and prepping for this surgery of a lifetime. The night before we sat together totally normal and talked about the happenings of the next day and how they felt like a dream. She had no symptoms and nothing that ever made her believe she had any cancer anywhere in ever body. She felt like she was talking about someone else! It was a crazy thing to go into like that! I'm sure glad we got to come before that though to be with them and have fun with them for a few days.