Wednesday, November 14

He's come back for another year

This is Tordon, our Thankful turkey. He comes around every year for Thanksgiving for us to give him our thankful feathers. Usually we save him for the big family dinner, but this year we got him out a little early for our family. The kids took some time to think about things they are grateful for, which for the record is really hard to explain what that means. So Courtney chose food. Natalie chose  "momme and boots" "soljrs" and "frens". I am trying to let her sound out words herself and she is doing a good job of it! I am thankful for a sweet smart little daughter who is really enjoying kindergarten and picking up on how to read and write and sound out letters. Boots picked a few things like our cozy bed and house, and also tht Jesus lives again. The one that I love this year is he is thankful for Brother Rogers to keep us safe. He is a friend that is serving our country and Boots always talks about him. It was sweet to hear him say he is thankful for him and why. So Thank you Tordon for helping us remember that we need to always be thankful for all that we have and that we truly are so very blessed. I love having the whole month to think and contemplate on that.
Sometimes I lose focus on the important things in life and tend to get side tracked with all of the little things that take up my day and week. Even when it comes to my kids alone, it is hard to remember the important things. I am quick to get upset at noise levels or messes, when I am just grateful I have them and I should be embracing the noise and love they share in our home. I should take more time to read with them, and play with them instead of sending them upstairs or away so that I can clean or cook, or look at my ipad...Yes I am VERY guilty of this. They are sweet, funny, caring, loving, creative, smart little kids and I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to raise and take care of 3 of them. JENI, REMIND YOURSELF EVERY DAY OF THIS!! Its so easy to forget!
Courtney is hilarious. She drives me insane in the car. She is always screaming or shouting, or crying. I have been dealing with some anxiety over the last year and this is something that really brings it out in me. Noise, and her noise drives me in sane! I have to breath deep and relax. I have to tell myself to not scream back and just be calm. It is very hard a lot of times in the day, but especially in the car with her. Then there are sweet funny silly times like this when she is just a goof and she sends my anxiety right out the window.
My Anxiety is something that I am learning every day to handle and try to "curb" if you will. I hate the feeling of being angry with my kids or about situations that I really cant control. I have learned to understand that I only need to deal with MY problems, and other peoples problems are not mine... so let them go!  Those are added stresses to my life that I just don't have to deal with. Another big trigger is worrying about the future, whether it be tomorrow or in 5 years, I used to get all wrapped up and worried. I have learned to do what I can today and now and deal with what will happen tomorrow...tomorrow. Its ok to go to bed with things not done, or to live in a house half furnished, or to know that I cant eat super healthy right now because really it is just too expensive. Sometimes I allow things that don't really effect me, to effect me and that causes a lot of anxiety as well. Decisions other people are making is a number 1. Family or friends who aren't doing things THAT I think they should be doing make me on edge. I have learned to let it go. Again, these are their decisions and not mine and I can not take on what COULD happen to them in their life. Its not my life, it's theirs.
I didn't even know what I was experiencing until one day, back in February I just snapped. I didn't know what I was feeling or dealing with. I wasn't happy ever and my kids were making me mad all the time. I would get sweaty and angry over little things and I was yelling ALL of the time. I was trying to control everything and everyone and it wasn't working in my favor. I hadn't shared these thoughts or feelings with anyone because I thought it was normal to feel this way, and just what happens. I would hear other moms say, "its just being a mom!" but there was something telling me that wasn't true. I had felt the normal MOMMY stress, and this was more. So I felt overwhelmed to tell my Visiting teachers one day about the bad day I was having. I don't like other people to worry over me, so it was hard to say anything. They both asked me if I had considered going to see a therapist. I hadn't. I thought they were for the weak and I did not need that. It was nothing I could handle alone. The more I talked about it and realized I wasn't able to help myself with... I decided to take their advice. Here is what I have to say about it... It was the best decision I have made in a long long time. It was hard to open up and actually embarrassing to go to. I didn't want to tell anyone and kept very private about it. But I am here to say, that it was so awesome. Just being able to think outside the box and see my life from another angle was what I needed. I was able to talk through a lot of my problems and was given a lot of tools to help me focus on what was really important. Having boots finish all of his food was NOT of those important things. The kids did not control me. I could get out of a loud car. I finally felt like I was in control on my own life and other peoples choices didn't effect my happiness.
I just wanted to share that, and say that I know that I was inspired to talk to those ladies about my anxiety that day. I was helped in ways that I wouldn't have been able to help myself. Going to see a Psychologist isn't something for the weak, but for the strong who can admit when they need help. I am so thankful I did and it changed me. I am happier and feel more like me than I had in a while and I am so blessed to have found the person that my Father in Heaven really wants me to be. I avoided saying anything on my blog about some of the person battles I was facing, but there you have it.


BrittanyB said...

J I'm glad you shared, and I'm glad you are doing better. It's never weak to ask for help or to admit you are having problems. We all have them, even if our blogs don't show it ;) Love you!

Meagan M said...

I LOVE this post...everything about it!! So much of what you just said about anxiety feels so familiar to me!! Seriously, I feel like that all the time and I totally feel inspired to do something about it. Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share!!

Anna@Exasperation said...

I love that you shared this. I think you're a rock star! And I'm so proud of all the hard work you've done over the last year. You taught ME a big lesson about what it means to be honest in our self evaluations, and how important it is to do something about the errors we find in our own lives. Way to be, Jen. Love you.

Sara said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I think you've probably touched more people than you know. You're pretty awesome!

The JL McGregor Family said...

Jeni! Welcome to the world of anxiety! I wish I had known earlier--we could have been talking about it! I was diagnosed with anxiety about 10 years ago and went to a counselor for a while, too. I have found that for me it has a ton to do with finding ways to feel in control and with not procrastinating/working on one thing at a time so I don't feel overwhelmed (sound familiar?). Looks like you are figuring things out. You are an amazing woman!