So today I am 6 days away from my due date and I feel no different. I don't feel like the baby has dropped, I am not in pain, I just don't have that feeling that the baby is coming. I feel let down! Let down from the anticipation of thinking I would have it yesterday or the day before.
So now I am over that. I am scheduled to be induced tomorrow, but since my appointment yesterday showed NO progress whatsoever (i am dilated to a 1 and no sign of dropping) She wants me to come in tonight to get things rolling, then in the morning she will break my water and really get the party started. I can NOT wait to see this baby girl. i also can NOT believe i am having a baby. I know I should have gotten over this months ago, but seriously... I am having a baby. A 4th baby. Am i ready for this? no. Will I ever be? no. Will she be loved unconditionally and will we ever be able to see or imagine life without this little soul? no. Does that take away from the fact that i am scared to death to have four kids? no.
When I had Courtney I discovered the beast called anxiety. I currently suffer from it and try to maintain control over my thoughts and feelings all the time. my trigger? MY KIDS. This is kind of funny considering I am about to throw another one in the mix. We did not anticipate this baby in our family, we thought we were done with a family of 5. We were very happy and content with each child having their own room and being able to start some fun family vacations without having a baby around. Courtney is 4 and potty trained, in school, and no longer needs naps. We were actually planning a trip to Disney World... THIS WEEK! But then back in March, we found out the news that we would indeed be having another member of our family. So then we had to cancel Disney and several other plans. I think up until this point, my belly has grown and I have felt the ups and downs of putting my mind around another family member, but it hasn't seemed like it is real. Finally today while at lunch I was overcome with a feeling of fear, joy, excitement and wonder as I realized that I really am having a baby. 24 hours from now I will have a baby in my arms relying on me to live.
I cant sleep well and have to make awful noises to just roll over in bed, touch my toes, put on socks and shoes, walk, or do anything. My stomach is small and cant hold much, and everything I eat gives me heart burn. I have done through 3 whole containers of TUMS this pregnancy and I am ready to not feel like my ribs are bruised. I cant see my toes, I cant put lotion on my legs or feet, I cant breath very well, my feet hurt and feel like I always need a foot rub. my maternity clothes no longer fit me and my shoes don't either. I am eager to move on and get going with a normal body again. I am excited to see the kids and how they treat a baby sister and how helpful they will be.
That being said, I have never been induced before and I am getting scared and nervous. We go in to the hospital in a few hours and start the process and I am scared it wont work, i am scared it will take a long time, I am scared of the pain and the fear and making sure baby girl is healthy and i am healthy. WHY am I so scared? I know that I will be watched over and safe. I know that I am strong and can make it through child birth because i have done it before 3 other times. I also was able to witness my mother enduring through so much pain this summer. She is strong and amazing and what I am about to go through has nothing on her. I am not going on life support, or in the ICU, I am not getting cancer removed, or any other body part for that matter. I will not be in the hospital for 4 weeks, I will be able to eat normal food and not liquid diet, I will not have to monitor my anything and I will be healthy and ready to go home in 3 days. WHY AM I SCARED? So I am going to choose to not be scared. It is my choice and my attitude how this goes down and I will decide to make it a happy great wonderful experience for me, Brian, and my family. I feel blessed to be able to have a baby and live in a country where they take such great care of me and a newborn baby.
Lastly, we have been on a roller coaster of names. It has been really hard to pin one down this time around. We have been through many names and disagreed on many. Penelope, Scarlett, Clementine, Katherine, Bridgett, and many more have been in the running along the way. We have slowly cut many out and brought them back into the running. Last night I felt the pressure to make a decision though as I bought our airplane tickets to go to Canada for Christmas this year. So I put in a name and a birthday so I hope it sticks and I still feel good about it come tomorrow when little miss Comes to town!